Don’t Accept Praise.
I’ve been one of those guys in the work place that tries to please people. Whether it’s been a sales role, my current founding role or even volunteer projects, I’m looking to get the thumbs up of a job well done from an external individual or group.
There’s currency in that, am I right? I mean, the money itself and a certain position does give a sense of self worth to some extent but there’s nothing like having a sense of community and being viewed as a great team member. It’s something that keeps your chin up. It just feels good.
I’m reading a book now called The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and F. Koga. It’s a book of pure dialogue between a philosopher and a “youth.” The gist of the story is based on the philosopher’s belief in Adlerian theory in social context. I couldn’t help apply some of the thoughts to my own life (I’m sure I’ll be writing more thoughts about this book).
In one section, the philosopher speaks on accepting praise and how it can be damaging. You can probably see where this is going. I first say “well, praise is incredible, it means a job well done!” and you say, “hey idiot, you’re giving permission for someone to judge you!”
You would be correct. It’s something a lot of us are aware of but continue to fall victim to. It’s in the same family as accepting advice or opinions from people that haven’t accomplished anything that aligns with your goals (I’ve done this often).
Accepting someone to judge in the good times gives your mind the green light to take the bad judgement as well.
So what, though? So someone takes judgement in the good and the bad times? Just get better, right?
Adlerian theory suggests that there is a “separation of tasks” in each interpersonal relationship. The philosopher in the book dives deep into this concept as he explains that we all need to separate our tasks and responsibilities. All we can do is focus on ourselves and not interfere with someone else’s tasks.
The judgement side, and the part of being disliked, is something we need to have courage to face. We need to carry out our tasks and be happy with contributing to a community. The feeling of contributing to the community is what will drive happiness.
I packed a lot into that short paragraph and you can take that or leave it. There is something to those points though, mainly the one about contributing to the community. Why does that feel good? That innate and built in piece of our brain that likes to the see the group move forward? Why are we programmed like that?
Is it to get to the next stage of the human race so we can continue to succeed on earth?
Is it to take this species to the next level so we can move to other planets in case this one is destroyed?
I really don’t know. All I know is that a sense of community feeds something in us and it’s healthy. So I’ll just continue doing that and see what happens.
